A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. Roy D. Bell is the Erb/Gullison Professor of Family Ministries at Carey Hall/Regent College in Vancouver, B.C. He was the speaker at the 1990 Annual Meetings and is also pictured on the cover.
At first sight there is little to encourage us to celebrate marriage today. Most of the research and popular books recite a sad litany of personal tragedy that is impacting society dramatically. American Couples claims that marriage and family have changed more in the past thirty years than in the previous one hundred and fifty. Nobody is disputing this. The divorce rate runs about two out of five. Sexual, marital and family issues are being seriously debated in the Catholic community, the United Church of Canada and in every major Christian group. None of it sounds like good news.
How then can we talk about celebrating marriage today? Let me respond to that by introducing some of you to a word I have recently learned. The word is bimodal. It is a term used to describe – among other things – a situation that arises when you conduct a survey and discover that the results fall into two very distinct and different groups. When we attempt to understand what is happening today in marriage we are confronted by two radically different experiences.
In one group the picture is grim. At best, it represents a hunger for what is not happening; at worst, it is a personal and family disaster. Ninety percent of Canadians put marriage and family as their most important priority. The failure of a particular marriage only seems to act as a spur to seek another, and at times, another. Their difficulty is not with marriage as an institution but with their particular marriage. The studies discussed in Second Chances by Judith S. Wallerstem and Sandra Blakeslee, indicate that there are winners and losers in every divorce. But they emphatically make the point, “Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain of events – which forever changes the lives of the people involved.”
While there are individual differences within this group it would be accurate to describe them on the whole as a group that represents “the triumph of hope over experience.”
The other group will have individuals and couples who are in personal difficulty but they represent people who are dominated by a commitment to marriage. Not simply to marriage as an institution, but to the particular marriage in which they are involved. They do not escape “Family of Origin” problems nor do they ignore the realities of the “Life Cycle,” but they are determined to find ways to make it work the way they believe God meant it to work. More than that, taking it as a whole, they have found ways to celebrate both marriage and family.
This is a somewhat cumbersome way of expressing the reality that the experience of marriage today falls into two distinct categories. Both are committed to it as an institution, both have considerable personal investment; yet for one group the reality is negative and basically destructive, for the other it is positive and constructive.
It would be nice to say that the key factor is personal faith in and commitment to Christ. That this is a powerful motive for preserving marriage is accurate. It both motivates and empowers. When it is combined with a willingness to discern and work on the key issues in marriage it is undoubtedly critical. What troubles me is that some Christians fail to follow through on doing this. That is both a failure to understand the implications of commitment to Christ and a failure to understand what constitutes a continuing commitment to marriage.
I have noted above two significant factors that influence marriage. “Family of Origin” is a major variable.
The Old Testament recognizes the significance of this. Ezekiel quotes the proverb, “The fathers eat sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge” (Ezekiel 18:2), but he goes on to affirm that this is not the last word, a point made also by Jeremiah (Jeremiah 31:29,30). The statement in Exodus is often quoted: “punished the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.”
All kinds of issues hinge on the Family of Origin – the capacity to love and trust, the ability to handle and resolve conflict, being able to separate oneself and still belong. All these and more impact the capacity of individuals and couples to participate constructively in marriage.
At least an awareness of this will help couples to know where they are coming from and what specific areas of their life and relationship need healing.
A further complication in marriage is one’s place in the “Life Cycle.” The graph of marital satisfaction is an important learning tool. For example, in Canada between 1969 and 1979 ninety percent of divorces were in the “under-thirty” category. The incapacity of the couple to handle the early stages of the Life Cycle was obviously a significant factor. Awareness of the tasks and satisfactions appropriate to each stage could make a considerable difference for those prepared to or able to postpone self-gratification.
How particular individuals express intimacy will vary but each person must discover ways of doing it that are clearly perceived by the other. Touch is one. Thoughtfulness is another.
Central also to the kinds of breakthrough necessary for marriage to be a celebration is what the Clinebells describe as “the will to respond.” Nobody can help a couple experience marital satisfaction when one or both have lost the capacity.
In dealing with marital concerns, too often the focus in the evangelical community is on roles and authority. While obviously these need to be clarified and are important to the health of the relationship they are not the central issues in sorting out a relationship. If, indeed, they are negotiated or imposed without dealing with other concerns it will be a “solution” that will hide from the couple other matters that are essential to a productive marriage. In point of fact, if they are imposed, they can add to the tensions – overt and covert – that exist and create a climate in which conflict is unresolved, communication is impaired and intimacy ceases.
I personally like the emphasis by Jack and Judith Balswick in their recent book The Family – A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. They argue for what they call “empowering.” They see this as the task of “the more powerful family members to enable the less powerful members.” The intention is to find ways to make those who feel powerless to gain power. The notion does seem central to the teaching of the New Testament and, indeed, to the Incarnation. It changes the whole debate about power and revolutionizes it.
These ideas about Family of Origin, Life Cycle and Empowerment, will begin to help us understand where we have come from, what is happening to us right now and how to proceed to deal with the issue of power.
There are clearly a number of other matters that are key to celebrating marriage today. Intimacy has to be one of them. This is concerned with a strong sense of warmth and belonging, with being understood and accepted.
There is no possibility of a good marriage without this. The risks are high; vulnerability increases with selfdisclosure but its absence leads to an empty marriage. How particular individuals express intimacy will vary but each person must discover ways of doing it that are clearly perceived by the other. Touch is one. Thoughtfulness is another. Trust that is not violated is an encouragement to intimacy. Discovering how not to put down one’s partner publicly or privately is important to intimacy. Praying together increases intimacy.
It is the conviction that under God my partner knows and understands that he/she is the most important human being in the world to me. It is the mutual perception and communication of this that is the core of intimacy.
Countless examples of intimacy are provided by our Lord’s relationships, with Mary, Martha and Lazarus for example (John 11:5) and his relations with the disciples (John 15). His need for the support of Peter, James and John at Gethsemane is a recognition of his own need for intimacy.
Conflict Resolution
The most important thing when in conflict with one’s spouse is not to win! The next most important thing is to make sure both parties resolve the conflict where both parties win. The next one is to accept conflict as normal, healthy and necessary. In addition to this it must be recognized that the capacity to recognize and resolve conflict varies considerably in the human community.
It is a complicated issue relating often to how it was handled in the Family of Origin. Coping mechanisms too often include silence, anger, avoidance, placating, physical or emotional violence, rejection, etc., all of which are destructive.
It is often the desire for intimacy that causes couples to seek to resolve conflict. This is only productive if the couple have learned to “fight fair.” Couples need to be aware of their styles of conflict resolution and of the stages through which conflict normally progresses.
Solutions can be either negative or positive. The crucial question is, “Who won?” If the parties both perceive they won, it has been a productive conflict.
Learning how to fight fair is a central concern for a successful marriage.
Companionate Love
Marriages that survive to the mutual satisfaction of both partners are marriages that make the transition from Romantic Love to Best Friend. That is not to suggest that cultivating romantic love is not desirable; working at keeping that alive is desirable but romantic love in its extreme form “lasts on average, less than two years.”
Before marriage, values tend to be intellectual rather than operational; marriage is the crucible where these values are tested, refined and hopefully begun to be implemented.
To ensure being one’s spouse’s best friend will involve spending unthreatened time together, empathizing with a spouse’s interests even when alien, exploring feelings, values, convictions, goals and being positive. These are all ways of increasing a sense of “best friend.” Making the effort to be solution-oriented rather than problem-fixated also helps. David and Jonathan can be seen as examples of companionate love but marriage is companionate love plus sexual involvement. It always involves good reciprocity.
Affirmation/Confirmation/Self-Worth
If there is any one thing that has the capacity to produce a dynamic and satisfying marriage, it is to affirm the worth of your partner in ways he or she can perceive it. Both God the Father and God the Son excelled in giving affirmation. “This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:7, see also Matthew 6:25-34; 10:23-31).
Couples too easily fall into negative ways of relating, criticizing and attempting to change each other (Proverbs 19:13; 21:9).
Working through the barriers to expressing and receiving affirmation is a vital component to productive marriage.
A love for yourself must also mean some more specific analysis of that self and accurate confirmation of it.
Communication
This is often placed at the top of the list. Its placement here is a function of the belief that when the other elements that precede it are in place, good communication will happen. The text for this is James 1:19. The core of good communication in marriage is the capacity to listen. It is made up of skills derived from Family of Origin, mutual love and respect, and good healthy self-disclosure. It is complicated by the lack of the same things. It is the internal filters that bedevil the process. The big word is congruent – words, feelings, actions, thoughts are together.
Sexuality
This too is a function of the previous list of concern. Good sex comes out of good intimacy, etc. Those who come from “Fundamentalist” families would do well to read Philip Yancey’s article in Christianity Today, February 17,1989, “Growing up Fundamentalist,” as well as the major article in the same magazine, October 2,1987, “Great Sex: Reclaiming a Christian Sexual Ethic.”
Sexual relations in Paul’s view are reciprocal and can and should be initiated by either partner, (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). No couple should accept a lack of mutual sexual satisfaction in this area of their lives. While marriage can be satisfactory when the sexual relationship is not entirely so, this does not need to be accepted as inevitable. The concerns need to be made specific and can be dealt with.
Concluding Comments
American Couples says, “Successful couples are those who share values and are willing to adjust expectations.” That is a healthy exercise. Before marriage, values tend to be intellectual rather than operational; marriage is the crucible where these values are tested, refined and hopefully begun to be implemented. Adjusting expectations can go either way. What is always needed is to fit together the mix of idealism and reality and not lose sight of either.
Focusing on the Celebration of Marriage is important always as a means to an end. The end is how my marriage glorifies God and contributes to his kingdom. It is not an end in itself. We are not our own but his and should seek celebrative marriages to model this and to reach out through that marriage for him.
The rewards are real and immense. They are certainly personal but go far beyond this. They model hope, authenticity and integrity in a troubled and disillusioned society that keeps looking in the wrong places for what the Lord God wants them to have.