A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. This is an anonymous testimonial from someone helped by New Beginnings Ministries, Toronto.
When I was 16 and first realized that my sexual attractions meant that I was a homosexual, I began to pray with great optimism, “God, please not me!” But as the years passed, and my homosexual desires did not, my hopes dimmed. My experience seemed to contradict the Bible’s claim that the war against homosexuality could be won.
I crossed the line between lustful thinking and actual activity at age 20. By the age of 26 I felt desperate to resolve the dilemma in my life: how could a born-again Christian not only have homosexual desires, but be hopelessly trapped in homosexual activity? Nothing I read, and no one with whom I shared my problem, resolved this dilemma.
My first contact with New Beginnings Ministries was frightening. It was the first time I had ever been with other Christians who were also homosexuals. My experience with this ministry was a process toward a different way of thinking about myself, my past, my goals and my salvation. From the beginning I was told, and later I became convinced, that my chief goal was obedience, not heterosexuality. I had to be willing to live without sex, whether or not my sexual desires changed. It was radical and heart-rending to give up the hope of living free of homosexual desires.
But through exposure to books recommended at New Beginnings I was made to understand that my homosexual desires were not my chief problem. Instead, their roots in pride, defense-building, anger and bitterness were the driving forces behind my attractions. They were sins for which I needed to repent and with which I needed to battle. Chief among these in my life was covetousness. True sexual love is wanting to be with someone else. My homosexual desire was to be someone else.
Many in the group spoke about “healing” and I struggled to understand their concept. Would I be “healed” instantaneously if I had enough faith? If people were in fact “healed” why did they still talk of struggling?
I came to understand that faith is not believing something with great intensity, but rather acting on the basis of what I believe. As I grew to understand this concept of how faith is to be exercised, I also was growing to understand the truth in which I was to believe.
I became convinced that the Bible teaches that I was a heterosexual by creation and by redemption. In creating me a male, God had given me what he gives all men and women: sexual desire for the opposite sex. But this desire had been perverted in me by my sinful responses to a series of circumstances in my life (just as sexuality has been perverted in a variety of ways in all men and women by their unique circumstances).
When Jesus was punished in our place for all that sin, he took all of it with him to the grave. We, who have faith in him, died with Jesus and with him were raised free of our guilt and our brokenness – we are saved (or in other languages, healed)!
And each time I committed a homosexual act, I was acting like a freed prisoner voluntarily returning to my cell.
The Bible is clear on this. But it also is clear in telling us that this new person continues to live in a sin-affected body and mind, and in the midst of a sin-cursed world. Therefore, we experience the effects of sin and allure of sin and, in fact, nothing keeps us from committing sin.
But the truth is that as a Christian man, I am a heterosexual who experiences homosexual temptation. I had thrown myself into a self-made prison the day I began to define myself by my homosexual feelings. And each time I committed a homosexual act, I was acting like a freed prisoner voluntarily returning to my cell. Realizing this, I began to refer to myself as “struggling with homosexuality” rather than as a homosexual.
These different ways of thinking were the keys that unlocked my prison door. However it took two years of support from New Beginnings and my church before my behaviour dramatically changed. The truths I was taught took a long time to move from my head to my heart, but slowly the answers began to make sense.
First, I realized that while struggling with homosexual temptation was hard, it was not harder than the temptation being experienced by heterosexuals. Sexual lust is powerful wherever it is directed.
Second, with an understanding that much of the allure of sexual temptation comes from lies that I believe about myself, I began to respond to temptation not only by asking for forgiveness, but also by thanking God for the truth.
Third, I learned to deal with the compulsive nature of homosexual activity. This was an intellectual, as well as practical hurdle to jump. I learned to say “no” earlier in the process, even before I was thinking about sex. This is difficult because it means giving up certain things that are perfectly okay for others.
Lastly, I determined that it was foolish to push God out of my mind when I was being tempted or even when I was in the midst of sin. He was there anyway, so I might as well acknowledge him. This honestly was not so much admirable as it was necessary for me to understand the offensiveness of my behaviour to God who sees and knows all.
Total brutal honesty is a key weapon necessary to fight homosexual desire: being honest with yourself about what you are feeling, wanting to do, and can handle; being honest with God about your doubts; being honest with others when relating what you have done and how it occurred; and – if married – being absolutely, completely, totally and wholly honest with your spouse about your feelings and actions.
I took the risk of telling a friend about my struggle. A year later she and I began to date steadily. We are now married and have had our first child.
Today, I am a heterosexual who still can be tempted by my desires to be someone else. However, I no longer desire to have sex with anyone but my wife. This is a situation I thought was impossible just four short years ago. Praise the Lord!