A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. Rosanne Hislop is the minister of the Alma Street and Tempo pastoral charge, St Thomas, Ontario.
From Amish elders to the Camp David accord. From schoolgrounds to corporate offices. From family homes to church sanctuaries.
What do all these situations have in common?
With a variety of stories, examples and illustrations, Richard Blackburn of the Lombard Mennonite Peace Centre led a group of close to one hundred people at Chalmer’s Presbyterian Church, London, Ontario in a day-long workshop on “Conflict Resolution Skills for Churches”, in November, 1993.
The examples pointed out the many different places where conflict surfaces. They also helped the participants understand that conflict is a normal and inevitable part of life.
When participants were asked to offer images and metaphors of conflict, comments ranged from “fear,” “anger” and “confusion,” to “opportunity” and “challenge.” Since so many prefer to shy away from conflict, time was spent examining its nature and exploring the way people react to it.
After describing the structure and dynamics of conflict and seeing how much this is a part of our everyday lives, attention was turned to how the issue of conflict is dealt with in the Bible. If this is a natural part of life, what does God have to say about it? If it is inevitable, what does God offer to help us deal with it and learn from it?
It’s easy to see how the Bible is full of examples of human conflict. It existed between individuals like Cain and Abel, and Jacob and Esau. It existed between leaders and people like Moses and the children of Israel. It existed between nations like Israel and Egypt, or Israel and many of its surrounding nations. The New Testament also records many examples of conflict – conflict between the church and the world, as well as among church members themselves. Disputes arose early in the Christian church. How were they dealt with?
The workshop participants learned that people in conflict often end up acting like enemies, and, of course, Jesus has a lot to say about how to treat our enemies. Jesus not only models how to love enemies, he also makes it possible for us to have that kind of love. “He himself is our peace.” Apart from him we can do nothing.
Time was spent reflecting on Matthew 18:15-20. There is much to learn about conflict from this passage. Mr. Blackburn highlighted how it shows us that God intends for us to live together in peace, and peacemaking starts with our brothers and sisters in Christ. This is important to remember because conflict between individuals affects the whole church.
Conflict is inevitable and normal, but here we have a step-by-step process on what to do to reach reconciliation. One of the most detailed processes we have in the Bible deals with conflict. We have here more detailed instruction than on how to celebrate baptism or the Lord’s Supper. Obviously, God knew we would need lots of help.
“For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” What we often forget about this much quoted verse is that it is given in the context of conflict. What an encouragement to know that it is in the midst of conflict that Jesus promises us his presence!
The process we find in Matthew 18 involves going directly to the person “who sins against you.” This direct dialogue is the healthiest and most effective way of resolving conflict. What so often happens, though, is that we talk to someone else about a problem. This is the most destructive and, unfortunately, the most common way people have of communicating.
If direct dialogue doesn’t work, the next step is to bring others – neutral people who will help both sides listen. The third step is to “bring it to the church.” This, we learned, is not standing up on Sunday morning and publicizing a situation, but rather, taking it to the proper leaders – people widely trusted and respected.
The final step is to treat the offending party as “a Gentile and a tax collector.” At this point it is crucial that we stop and reflect on the way Jesus treated Gentiles and tax collectors. It puts a whole new perspective on the situation.
During the course of the day, in all that was said and done, it was very clear that the whole purpose of following this process allows for reconciliation and redemption. Our part is to persist in love. God’s part is to redeem.
It was emphasized that God is the one who reconciles. Reconciliation is God’s gift to us. “The church’s role is not to make reconciliation happen – God does that – but to create an environment where God’s reconciliation has a better chance of happening.” The importance of grounding everything in prayer and praise was emphasized and practised throughout the day.
We also looked at Acts 6:1 -7 for a specific example of how the early church responded to conflict. Conflict is not only a normal part of our own individual lives, it is also a normal part of church life, and the best way to resolve it is by coming together. The normal reaction of many people is to avoid conflict and the people associated with it. But this passage says to come together, and choose people “full of the Spirit” to help us find resolution.
This look at biblical examples and guidelines provided the context for the rest of the day. Understanding that conflict is natural, and that God teaches us what to do with it, clears the way for more detailed instruction on how we can respond in healthy and effective ways. The question is not if we will have conflict – we will. The question is, how will we respond?
Those present were asked to get up and place themselves on a continuum that ran from one end of the sanctuary to the other. We placed ourselves according to how we answered the question: “How do you feel when conflict arises?” At one end were those who embraced conflict as a challenge and opportunity for growth. At the other end were those who might even have physical symptoms such as nausea when they are faced with conflict. Some people at this end asked if they couldn’t keep going right through the wall at the end of the sanctuary! People at this end find it hard to even talk about conflict. Participants spread themselves more or less evenly along the continuum.
This practical exercise served as an introduction to understanding different styles of response to conflict. Not everyone reacts in the same way, and the more we understand the different styles, the better equipped we will be to communicate effectively.
Those in attendance completed a self-assessment exercise on “how do I manage differences?” We found out whether we were sharks, owls, foxes, turtles or teddy-bears. This provided a picturesque way of understanding the different types of responses. Do we force our views and agendas at all costs? Do we focus on collaborating and seeking a “win-win” resolution? Do we compromise and try to meet the other party half-way so that no one is completely happy, but each goes away with some of their goals met? Do we simply withdraw and avoid the conflict and the people associated with it? Do we try to accommodate the other at the expense of our own legitimate needs?
The intent of this exercise was not only to understand different styles, but also to improve our own reactions. If we aren’t already “collaborating owls,” then we all have lots of room for improvement. Participants realized that “win-win” scenarios take a lot of time and effort.
How do we get there? The next part of the day focused on communication and interpersonal peacemaking skills. We spent time learning collaborative skills such as planning, paraphrasing what people say, focusing on interests, not positions, generating multiple options, and being able to make clear preference or “I” statements.
We saw how typical listening responses such as advising, judging and questioning are most often unhelpful and ineffective.Workshop participants divided into small groups to practise good-listening exercises and reflect on the experience.
Good interpersonal skills are needed in order to prevent misunderstandings. They are also needed to be able to handle conflict constructively.
The last part of the day dealt with applying what we had learned to conflict in group settings, especially congregations.The same diversity of styles and responses are reflected in every congregation. There are those who think teaching about conflict and training in conflict resolution is long over-due. Others don’t even want to talk about it – or worse – refuse to admit that it exists in their church.
Often it is more difficult to deal with conflict in our churches because many people have the view that conflict is wrong for Christians. Disagreement is interpreted to mean lack of respect or caring. There are unspoken “rules” that “you cannot have conflict with someone you care about, or are supposed to care about.” We’re all just supposed to love one another and forgive and forget.
But, as Mr. Blackburn pointed out, true peace and reconciliation requires justice. And we all know that “forgive and forget” doesn’t always work if true reconciliation hasn’t taken place. Issues will continue to re-surface if people feel that they haven’t received justice or fair treatment.
True peace doesn’t come cheaply. It takes considerable effort. It takes skill at learning how to separate people and issues. Learning to be hard on issues but soft on people. Conflict often arises because of lack of peace within. That means we need to show compassion to people. It takes skill at learning the difference between adversarial position based bargaining, and problem-solving interest based bargaining. It means learning to work with “people, process and problems” in such a way that conflict results in healing, growth and learning.
Depending on the approach they take, congregations can either be divided by or bound together by conflict.
So, how should we operate in the church? “Do not only look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). We don’t negate our needs (accommodate and withdraw), but we also look to the interests of others (collaborate and problem-solve).
We’re called to experience peace with God (Romans 5). We can reach out to others because God reached out to us while we were yet sinners. We’re called to experience the peace of God (Philippians 4:7). We’re called to be peace-makers (2 Corinthians 5:17-20).
The central purpose of conflict resolution training in churches is to “build up the body of Christ.” This, of course, is one of the reasons why The Renewal Fellowship exists – to help our denomination in the equipping of saints for the work of service so the church may be built up.
Matthew 18 shows us we have an assurance that Christ is with us as we go through conflict. Other biblical passages show us that conflict can be “an arena for God’s revelation.” It can give us an opportunity to learn something new about God.
Participants went away with knowledge and skills that can be applied to any situation. They went away encouraged that conflict can be transformed constructively for good. They went away with new hope for their churches and re-kindled thankfulness and love for God.