A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. The Rev. David Mills, is a minister of our Church and resides near Duncan, Vancouver Island, B.C.
Life with people can be like a bowl full of marbles, with each one touching just those within range. If a few of the marbles are removed, the others shift slightly and adjust. There is hardly any more of a ripple than that.
Or, life with people can be like a honeycomb, where the relationships are with those within range, but they are deeper, stronger and share a common bond. Remove a few of these cells and there is a severe disruption in the honeycomb and the ripples are felt and experienced deeply.
There is no doubt in my mind that we all need “family” in our lives. We need a place to deal with our loneliness, somewhere to become healthy and mature. We also need a place to provide for our basic needs so we can feel loved, cared for and supported.
What we need is expressed in two main features. First, we have to find rootedness and identity, which gives us a sense of belonging. Second, we have to find support and a sense of well-being, which means that we need people who will be “there” for us.
How can we find “family”? Obviously it is not the statistical formula of two adults plus two and half children on which modern car design is based. The “nuclear” family, so called, is too vulnerable to attack from outside and from within. It is too isolated to defend. It is too small to have sufficient resources. It is too open to weariness, frustration, and guilt when not succeeding. Consequently when we try to limit “family” to its nuclear dimensions we get broken families and lose the role models that two parents provide. We also see increasing financial demands creating a generation of “latch-key” kids, that is, kids who have their own key and let themselves in and out without any parental supervision even at a young age.
The “family” so described can easily be decimated by disease, denuded by death, disoriented by war, or degraded by poverty. That same family can find failure in commitments leading to divorce and runaways. The absence of parents leads to lack of discipline and often ends in child neglect and child abuse. Sexual problems lead to unfaithfulness and suspicion.
What is the answer? We need to find another way of being family in a larger context than the nuclear family provides. Ideally, the church would provide that kind of family but the ideal is not always either apparent or present. Each of us needs to discover closeness, care and affection. We need to know and be known by others at something other a superficial level. The Bible states that even before the fall in Eden, when presumably man had few problems, God said “It is not good for man to be alone.” Jesus redefined the family as one with spiritual bonds rather than blood ties (Mk. 3:31- 35) and the New Testament uses familiar family-type terms for the relationships it feels should describe the church.
The church can only begin to speak to our generation when it discovers a better way to build ‘family. ” This will include a new vulnerability to each other as brothers and sisters, and a greater constancy in our love…
The New Testament concentrates on what we are to be, and how we are to live, rather than what the church should be doing in terms of activity. It is a sad reflection on the present church that it can often be found to be the cause of family stress and pressure. “We must get more Sunday School teachers!”, “We should rush out to the meeting tonight!” In a survey done for the magazine Family the top stress factor in Christian marriages was found to be the local church in the part it asks the individual to play in what it conceives as fulfilling Christ’s service. It was not rebellious children, nor the clash between values outside and inside the home. “Sitting on church committees is more enjoyable than coping with children at bedtime;” “Each year at the annual church meeting the office holders are blackmailed into agreeing to carry on another year. There seems no way of escape . . .” (Family magazine).
The factors that create the sense of family are love, commitment, and continuity. These create deep and indelible bonds for the individual. The church can only begin to speak to our generation when it discovers a better way to build “family.” This will include a new vulnerability to each other as brothers and sisters, and a greater constancy in our love for each other. Also it will challenge us to recognize that our spiritual family has real claims on us, especially as we desire and are willing to build supportive relationships based on the reality of our life,
The concentration needs to be on belonging, whether we are at home or at worship. It is a fallacy to say “we are going to church!” – because that makes the church a remote organization outside of our life and concerns. The church is an organism consisting of people committed to Christ and his gospel wherever they are.
In a world that is dying of despair, loneliness and depression, people try drugs and alcohol to make it hurt just a little less. They are not interested in meetings, unreal services, or trite answers, but want reality in their lives. They are looking for people with a simple, different, loving lifestyle where they feel they can belong and grow. This honeycomb lifestyle needs to be based and built on the pattern of the love of Jesus Christ.