A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. W. Stanford Reid is Emeritus Professor of History, University of Guelph, and the author of numerous historical books.
Recently I have heard repeatedly the question: “How can I help the lonely?” This is a problem which faces many people who have friends or relatives who are lonely and who need help in order to overcome their feelings of being alone and deserted by those who should have some care for them. The question then is: How do we show our friendship and love to those who are alone and are depressed by their isolated position in society.
I had a good illustration of this a few days ago. 1 drove a lady — who has recently suffered through the sudden death of her husband of many years — to a church meeting. On the way home she told those of us in the car of her loneliness. She and her husband had always been good companions, but now she was alone with no one to talk to or with whom she could share news or thoughts. Not having children, and with no friends stopping in to see her, she felt deserted and isolated. While her husband was alive they had entertained and been entertained by many friends, but now she hardly ever received a call from anyone.
Another woman — who also had recently lost her husband — with whom I talked, laid special emphasis upon her sense of loss at meal time. She stressed the fact that while she felt lonely at all times, it was at the meals where she and her husband had had loving fellowship that she missed him most. Now she simply had her meals out in the kitchen, instead of the dining room, and was eating without anyone to talk to. It was there that she felt her loss most deeply. What could she do about it? Did I have any suggestions?
This feeling of loneliness is not, however, something suffered only by women. Men also have the same sense of isolation. A man, whose wife recently died, told of all the work he had to do around the house now, with no one to talk to, nor anyone with whom to share his problems. His family lives at a considerable distance, and although they call on the telephone, there is not that sense of companionship that he enjoyed with his wife for so many years. He is very definitely lonely.
And loneliness is not only the experience of singles, for couples can also have the feeling, particularly if they have moved to a new home in a district or location where they do not have any friends. But this can also happen in an area where they have lived for some time, if the people whom they know show no interest in being friendly.
What is the answer to this problem? On one hand there is the question of the person who is lonely. Does that person reach out to others or simply hide in the loneliness? One who wishes to have friends must show him/herself friendly. But it may also be a case of the friends not realizing that the lonely person is lonely. So often when we are lonely we tend to hide it and pretend that all is well. So if we are timid about telling others of our problem they will not realize our need.
Friends will think that we are doing well. In fact they may even be surprised at how well we are doing. They assume that we are happy despite our lonely situation so there is nothing which they need do. Indeed, if they try doing something for us, they think we may feel that they are interfering and will resent their attempts to help. And in some cases they may be correct, but as one looks at most cases of loneliness this does not seem to be a proper interpretation of the situation.
It would seem, therefore, that friends should look rather carefully at the person who is living alone. They should seek to understand exactly what the individual’s position is. If they then come to the conclusion that the individual is finding life depressing in the lonely circumstances, they should realize the need that the lonely person has, and should seek to offer help.
What form could this help take? One thing which is always helpful is the occasional drop-in visit, just to sit down and have a chat. And the chat should not be solemn or depressing but have some humour in it, as laughter is always a great help in keeping up one’s spirit. Another thing is to take the loner out to a meal at home, or arrange to go to a restaurant where each pays his or her own bill. But, from what I have learned in talking with loners is that one of the essential things is having a chance to talk, even if the talk is not very significant, such as criticism of the Mulroney government!
There are also special days when friends can have an important effect on the lonesome. On some special days the feeling of loneliness becomes even deeper than usual. It may be the day of the death of a loved one, when depression is greater. But there are others: a birthday, Who will celebrate it with me?; or Christmas, or some other time of celebration, when the person living alone may feel particularly depressed if there is no one with whom to talk and perhaps celebrate.
In all of this Christians have a particular part to play, for central to the Christian faith is the belief in Christian fellowship. This has been characteristic of Christians since the earliest days of the church’s history. Christians have the same faith in Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord which has always bound them together as brothers and sisters in Christ. We see it exemplified in the New Testament and in the history of the church down to the present day. The consequence is that we who are Christians should see our fellow believers in their need and offer our help. We may at times forget this responsibility but it is important that we should keep it always in mind, that we may indeed manifest the love to the lonely which our Lord shows to us in our lives.
We can be a help and comfort to our fellow Christians in many ways, as we have already stated: visiting, entertaining, helping. But as Christians we have even a greater way of helping our lonely fellow Christians, for through our common trust in Christ as Saviour we have a deep spiritual unity which enables us to have spiritual fellowship which is even greater than the fellowship of those who do not believe. This unity can be manifest if we not only make the same profession of faith, but if we have the fellowship of prayer and praise of our Saviour.
This fellowship becomes even more effective in groups often made up of “singles” in churches. There seems to be a growing consciousness of the importance of such bodies where all the singles in a congregation come together for fellowship. These groups join together in various activities and develop friendship which help to heal the loneliness of many who are living alone. While numbers of such groups are developing in various congregations, it would surely be good if more were formed to help the lonely.
Many people are lonely. We as Christians can reach out to those who know not the Christian faith and through our care, interest those not Christians, in our faith. We can also reach out to our fellow Christians to help them in their loneliness. So the word is now: “Christians take action.”