A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. Kit Schindell has worked as a nurse for many years in adult psychiatry facilities in B.C. and England. She and her husband and daughters attend Fairview Church in Vancouver. She is the Book Review editor of Channels.
Preventing Divorce. Greg and Candy McPherson, Bobb and Cheryl Biehl. Multnomah Press, 1989, 124pp.
Several years ago my husband and I were celebrating a wedding anniversary in the same lovely restaurant where we’d become engaged ten years earlier. We were having a wonderful time, talking, eating, laughing, reminiscing about our years together, considering our present, not only as a couple but also as parents, and anticipating our future. Midway through the long and pleasant evening, the owner/maitre d’ moved from table to table, talking to the guests. Diners smiled, laughter erupted. I was anxious to tell this gracious man about the emotional significance of his restaurant to us, but after a warm “hello”, he moved away to other tables spending several minutes at each. We felt a little left out. As it happened, we were the last customers to leave and as we said goodnight I took the opportunity to tell this gentleman about the reason for our presence. “Oh, you must wait,” he said and rushed away, returning a few seconds later with a gift for us and his congratulations, together with a rather long but impassioned speech about marriage, about the difficulty of being married and of staying married these days. I reminded him somewhat meekly that we had visited his restaurant to celebrate, that we were not there merely as “survivors.” “That I know,” he said firmly, as we looked at him, surprised. “And do you know how I know? Every night I come here and I travel from table to table, starting conversations, getting people to talk to each other, cajoling them, thawing them out, warming them up. But you two! You were absorbed in conversation, you looked at each other, you enjoyed each other. You did not need me.”
Preventing Divorce is the book for the engaged couple who could use a helpful maitre d’. This slim volume with the catchy title (one cannot resist having just a little look to see what the “gimmick” is) does not preach about the need for communication, or drone on about the joy of communication or give “How-to-Communicate” lessons. Preventing Divorce promotes communication. A couple using this book will start to talk … and talk … to each other.
There is no gimmick. There are no answers. But there are questions — over 300 of them — for couples to ask each other. And what questions! Each is thoughtfully phrased so as to be non-threatening, even fun, for the participants, but each is designed so that more than “yes” or “no” is required. Of course, all the Big Questions are there (“What scriptural truths do you feel should be stressed in the raising of children?”… “Are there any skeletons of any kind in your past?” . . . “If my career required a move and yours did not, how would we decide what to do?” … “What does a ‘commitment to God’ mean to you?”). But so are those little, gritty, seemingly unimportant issues that often become magnified later: (“How do you feel about an unmade bed in the middle of the day?”… “How do you feel about borrowing money from our parents or relatives?”… “How do you feel about tent-type camping?”). Using this skinny little book, couples will discover each other’s hopes, (“What is the highest position you can imagine me holding at some point in the future?”) and dreams (“If you were to start a company of any kind, what kind of company would you start?”). Needs, fears, likes and dislikes, thoughts and preferences on personal appearance, hygiene, sex, money matters, food, spiritual life are all covered. Used properly this book is a super tool for abolishing the “if-only-he-knew”/ “I-wish-she-understood” turbulence that can upset many a marriage.
The authors — two married couples — keep themselves in the background, but their concern for God, for life, for the lovely institution of marriage, shines through the questions. Greg and Candy McPherson and Bobb and Cheryl Biehl have obviously been up all night with sick kids, faced mortgages and aging and career hassles along with the rest of us, but one also senses their warmth and compassion. I am very sure this book, used by couples engaged to marry, will help to prevent divorce. It will also help them to celebrate marriage.
There are about 250 questions for all couples and about 40 specifically for engaged couples. Another 30 are for those whose marriage is in difficulty. There is a brief and friendly introduction with suggestions as to how to use the book most effectively, emphasizing that married couples are not meant to be emotionally/spiritually/ cognitively cloned, and offering brief, but practical, methods of dealing with major differences of opinion. It can, if preferred, be used comfortably with a third person (pastor, counsellor, etc.); it can be used in whole or in part, and can be used over a period of time. It would be an excellent, affordable, appropriate and helpful gift for a couple to receive from the Session when their engagement is announced. I’m sure the elders and the authors would understand if the couple removed the quite awful dust jacket (the book’s hard cover underneath is a lovely teal blue and is absolutely free of words) and took themselves and Preventing Divorce off to a quiet restaurant. It’s okay if the maitre d’ is off that night.