(or 43 rules for driving him out of the ministry or out of his mind)

A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. This article has been written by the wife of a Presbyterian minister who wishes to remain anonymous.

  1. Expect him to do equally well at all the things the former pastor did well.
  2. Expect him to do better at all the things the former pastor did poorly.
  3. Expect him to get along well with all the people the former pastor got along well with, especially if you were one of them.
  4. Expect him to win the trust and confidence of all the people who had problems with the former pastor, especially if you were one of them.
  5. Label differences in character between this pastor and the previous one as matters of right and wrong, better and worse. Do your best to ignore the fact that others also label it this way, but what you call “worse”, they call “better.”
  6. Expect him to instantly develop rapport and deeply supportive relationships with the staff, especially those chosen by, and close to, the previous pastor.
  7. Expect him to take care of all the existing problems on the staff, without hurting any feelings or alienating any of the people who believe in the various staff, especially if the problems are long-standing ones which “have needed to be taken care of for a long time.”
  8. Expect him to start all the new programs which he has discussed during the interview process. Now. Especially those which are most important to you. If he doesn’t, assume he was lying (or at least misleading), rather than allowing for all of the above as possible factors in the delay. Above all, do not question whether your pet program might or might not be the most important thing which needs to happen right now.
  9. In addition, while he’s doing all the above, expect him to keep all of the existing programs within the church going, especially those most important to you.
  10. Expect him to develop instantly into a skilled and sensitive leader of the session, especially if his leadership style is totally different from that of the previous pastor.
  11. Expect him to preach an A+ sermon every week, finding hours of preparation and practice time while doing all of the above.
  12. Expect the sermon topics and content to hit you right between the eyes almost every week. Expect the type of sermon to be what you like (that is, expositional, inspirational, topical) almost every week. Don’t think about the fact that others may prefer other types of sermons.
  13. Expect him to be a “real leader”, but expect him not to cause any discomfort while exercising leadership. By “leadership” be sure you mean the ability to act decisively on those issues which you think most important, while not being overly affected by those who happen to disagree with you.
  14. Expect him to be a visionary, but don’t allow him any mistakes or failures as he attempts to institute those visions. Don’t do what successful businesses do and reward the “noble failure.”
  15. Be careful not to make any allowances for the fact that the pastor is a unique person, possessing certain gifts and a certain style. It’s best if you expect him to match a quite detailed and rigid picture which you have in mind of what a pastor should be like. If he doesn’t match this picture assume that he is not really quite right for the pastorate, at least at “your” church.
  16. Expect him to have no significant weaknesses in the various classical pastoral gifts. This is especially important if you are in a larger, multi-staff church, where in addition to all the classical gifts, such as extreme readiness to meet individual needs, he also needs to function as an administrator and manager, with excellent time-management skills. Don’t by any means examine or question your belief that a pastor is a pastor is a pastor, regardless of the size of church, staffing situation, etc.
  17. If this is his first job as a senior pastor, do not under any circumstances expect him to make the same number of mistakes the rest of us would in the first year of a complex, difficult, multi-skilled job. Instead, expect him to be an instant expert in everything from hospital visitation to administration. If he isn’t, question either his vocation or his commitment to serve the church.
  18. Expect him to instantly absorb the “way things are done here” at your church. Assume that the mistakes made in this realm are a result of an unwillingness to “work with the session”, or a desire to impose his way of doing things, rather than the result of past experience in another setting.
  19. While you’re at it expect him to fit instantly into the local culture, especially if he’s from another part of the country. Don’t give him time and grace to pick up local customs. Assume that mistakes he makes in this area are a result of insensitivity or an actual dislike of the community.
  20. Expect him to find and hire incredibly talented people, but don’t budget enough for their salaries to make the job even vaguely attractive, especially for experienced people who are older and therefore more likely to have families. Once he attracts them anyway, assume they are at the church entirely because of the wonderful characteristics of the church. Don’t give the senior pastor credit for their presence. If new staff try to tell you that they come at least in part because they want to work with the senior pastor, question their commitment to the church.
  21. While he’s all of these, make sure he has a secretary with strong loyalties elsewhere: to the former pastor, a strong power block within the church, etc. Be sure she’s the type who likes to talk widely about what she sees and believes. It’s best if her spouse or her close friends have problems with the pastor. Do not give him someone who supports and believes in him, while helping him to learn the ropes. If you do, he might feel like there is a buffer and support actively helping him to ease into a difficult role.
  22. If you hear (most likely from his secretary) that the pastor was out of the office for part of Monday (especially if he was doing something recreational), get very upset. Don’t stop to think that on Saturday and Sunday he had twelve hours of meetings and two weddings in addition to his normal five hours on Sunday morning. This is especially important if he preached one, two or three sermons. If you slip up here, he might wind up doing something ridiculous like getting some exercise or spending time with his family.
  23. Be sure to keep tabs on every day of holiday time he takes, but ignore all the days off and public holidays he doesn’t take, especially those that are fractured by weddings, funerals, etc.
  24. If he gets invited onto the board of a Christian college or charitable organization, don’t feel proud that others are affirming your good taste in personnel. Instead, view this as a threat to your pastor’s commitment to the church, even if the actual time commitment is only a few days a year.
  25. If you notice something you like, or especially if you are feeling generally positive, don’t tell the senior pastor. Wait to comment until something is bothering you.
  26. If you feel neutral-to-positive, but someone who feels negative is talking to you, trust their comments. Don’t stop to thoughtfully evaluate based on your own experience. Above all, don’t talk to others who feel positively. They might convince you that you were right to begin with.
  27. If you are feeling negatively about the pastor, be careful not to label any of your feelings as grief over the loss of the previous pastor. This is especially important if you were close to that pastor. If you are careful to do this you’ll both hide and repress your true feelings about the previous pastor and make life miserable for the new one.
  28. If you have problems with the pastor, don’t go to him with them. Spread them around. Bring others into the process. This is especially effective with younger Christians since they are more easily shaken up by those they respect — like you.
  29. If you are upset about something to do with the pastor, spend a lot of time with other people who are upset. Be sure and feed each others’ negative feelings. Avoid attempts to focus on the positive at all costs.
  30. If others don’t share your “concerns”, assume that they don’t know enough. If they know the facts, and still don’t care, assume they “haven’t worked as closely with him” as you have. If they’ve worked more closely with him and still aren’t worried, assume that they are “spiritually undiscerning.” Above all, don’t go to them with an open mind and ask them why they see the situation differently.
  31. Start a rumour campaign. If you don’t feel quite up to that, then just pass on those unsubstantiated rumours which you hear from people who already have a problem with the senior pastor. Above all, don’t go to the pastor to find out the truth of the issue. By all means do this with young Christians, too.
  32. While he’s trying to learn and grow, assume that this is a hopeless task. Assume that the personnel committee are in his hip pocket. They’ll appreciate that vote of confidence in their competence and individuality. Certainly don’t trust in the new pastor’s desire to grow into the job. If you do, he might find the security to prove your assumptions about him wrong.
  33. If you are a member of session, expect — no, assume — that a part of your job is to keep the senior pastor righteous.
  34. Therefore, tell him that the senior pastor is supposed to be more righteous than other people in the church.
  35. When he explains that, although there is certainly a minimum standard which a pastor’s life must evidence, there is actually no biblical evidence which dictates greater righteousness for a pastor than for, say an elder and member of session, counter that he should at least act more righteous.
  36. When he implies that this is hypocrisy, and similar to what the Pharisees enjoyed, get mad and call him carnal, if not to his face at least elsewhere around the church.
  37. If the pastor makes genuine errors, or even does something wrong, and then apologizes, don’t under any circumstances respond with forgiveness and reconciliation. Be sure to keep bringing it up, publicly, for at least several months. Don’t ever tell others that he has admitted fault and personally apologized.
  38. If the pastor happens to apologize from the pulpit you must do several things. Listen carefully and critically, and if his wording does not precisely reflect all the aspects of the situation where you believe he has gone wrong, then assume he hasn’t “truly repented.” Trust your belief in the pastor’s fundamental insincerity. Don’t ask yourself why anyone would want a job which includes this kind of endeavour. Assume he is only doing this to fool people, or to impress people, or keep his job. Above all, don’t question whether you would ever be able to do something this difficult.
  39. If personal friends, or others in the church, or even people from some higher church body, urge you to examine your conscience, repent, and be reconciled, be sure not to look too deeply. Acceptance of guilt for any part of the situation might both weaken your cause, and bring into question your view of yourself and your motives as essentially righteous.
  40. If you begin to feel qualms of conscience about the way you have behaved, whether passively or actively negative, don’t carefully examine your behaviour and decide where you need to ask the pastor’s forgiveness, and where you would behave differently in the future. A better approach is to corner the pastor (or his wife) in a public situation and say something like, “If I’ve done anything to hurt you, please forgive me.” They will be left with only two alternatives. They can either issue a blanket statement of forgiveness, or not respond. In the latter case, you will undoubtedly say to yourself, and probably to others, “Well, at least I tried.” This is a particularly effective way of assuaging your feelings of guilt without any risk of being confronted with the specifics of your bad behaviour.
  41. Forget that the church is intended to reach out to the sinful and needy. Get totally focused on the purity of the church. If done right this should lead to comments like, “Well, yes, we have admitted many new members, but they weren’t strong Christians.”
  42. Expect the church to have the same atmosphere and caring level as a small church, and the same quality of staff and programs as a large one. Whichever size church you are in, assume that any lack in your experience is the senior pastor’s fault. Communicate this to him and don’t listen to his response.
  43. Expect the pastor, as the head of a voluntary organization (the church), to generate the motivation of a winning football team, the caring level of a counselling centre, the efficiency of a successful business, the democratic involvement of a New England town meeting, and the spiritual depth of a cloistered convent. In other words, expect him to have all the gifts and personality traits of a winning coach, a loving psychologist, a successful executive, an elected politician, and a Mother Superior.