A searchable, downloadable PDF of the original article appears below. David Mills is the interim administrator at Covenant Community, the Presbyterian Leadership College at Duncan, B.C.
Just over two years ago, there was a significant number of people praying for me as I began the process of applying for, and being accepted on to, the heart transplant program at University Hospital, London, Ontario. After an initial heart attack on December 8th 1984, (which necessitated my moving from Cortes Island, where I was pastoring the interdenominational church) into emergency open heart surgery in September 1985 (following a massive series of heart attacks) at Royal Jubilee Hospital, Victoria, B.C., we were told the prognosis. Either try and strengthen the 1/3 muscle that was left after the attacks, with the 10% pumping ability that remained, or apply for a transplant. After struggling with the first alternative and the physical consequences, my wife and I had little hesitation in going for the second alternative. On January 19th 1986, we travelled from Cowichan District Hospital, Duncan, to London to be screened for the program, and after acceptance on January 31st, I was given a new heart on February 1st. Since then, the time of recovery and recuperation has been a source of constant miracle, to us, our friends and any we meet. Now working as Administrator and teaching at Covenant Community, I can rejoice in a new lease on life.
During this time, first of enforced inactivity, and then of miracle, has become for me a time of spiritual reflection and consolidation. I still stand amazed in the “presence of Jesus the Nazarene.” I have put a lot of questions on the back burner, and into the “can’t believe it” category, and have longed to spend time with my friends “chewing the cud” about it all, so that I can share the miracle, and it can penetrate. Not that it hasn’t, but expressed in words it seems different than just thought — if you know what I mean.
Each day as I do my monitoring and my exercises, I wonder how on earth I could possibly be doing all of this, when so recently I was on my “last legs.” As I reflect, I keep being led into thoughts about prayer and I wonder what the connection is; there I was, with the backing of lots of prayer which would have been the envy of many, and somehow I was given the opportunity of going through the whole process, not without pain, but so quickly. It only took from January 19th until February 1st; yet so many other recipients have been kept waiting for a donor for months; so what was the answer? Did prayer do it? Certainly prayer was not a formula for success, otherwise others who had prayer backing would have speeded through, too, and that wasn’t what I was hearing. So I reflect and share that humbly with you.
Prayer seems to be the willingness to take the risk of a living relationship with God, where the answer may be “no” or “wait” and when life and death is the issue it isn’t academic any more (like whether you should buy a new car or not!), and there are no easy answers to tap into. The risk is that God could say “no”; where do you go from there?! You may know that the criteria for receiving approval to be on the program for a “heart transplant” includes such conditions as: a.) there is no other alternative; b.) you have less than a year to live; and c). you have to be basically healthy so that your other organs will be reactivated with a new heart. But of course it is no good being basically healthy if your heart gives out. It has had the effect of changing my perspectives considerably, I can tell you! Having spent some years in a “healing ministry” to others, it was quite a change to be on the receiving end, and to have to make decisions from that perspective. The Holy Spirit doesn’t always allow us to have easy choices, because he knows that our lives have to be lived in “faith” and thus a total dependence upon God.
So there is a risk in a living relationship with God one in which I have often found difficult to accept because like so many, I hate to lose control.
Second, there was the recognition that the relationship is an important one irrespective of any answers, or lack of answers, and that the whole experience has been to strengthen the reality of the relationship with God; to be able to “let go” of the peripheral aspects of the “faith” and concentrate on the centralities of the relationship in the midst of suffering, helplessness, and waiting. This is especially true when the waiting has the aspect of total dependency on other people’s decisions about your life, and you have no control or input into that process. At one point the go ahead had been given but then withdrawn because of a complication from another test, and we had to wait until a “divas” test was performed before any indication could be given. Dr. McKenzie (the heart transplant surgeon) had to see the results before he would agree to the operation as there was a risk of a subsequent stroke. It was especially hard to know that you were waiting for someone else to die so that you may have life — which in itself brings a whole new dimension to the Christian message. We may theorize about this but when you are in the spot that “Barabbas” was in, you are conscious of how precious the gift of life really is.
Third, the great joy of finding the ability to be able to relax in the relationship and allow the tensions to wash away as the impact of the first two points sank in; naked before God and happy! Before my first major heart attack the last thing I wanted was any operation at all, and so I had welcomed the opportunity of solving the problem with angioplasty procedures. The major heart attacks knocked me out so badly that I was unconscious when the first emergency by-pass surgery was done to save my life in Victoria. So when Dr. McKenzie came and told us that he considered the risks no greater problem than the normal risks of such an operation, and almost in the same breath told us that a heart might be available that same evening, I was so relaxed about it that I said in reply to his question about whether we wanted to go ahead, “Yes, please get on with it!” I joked with the doctors as they prepared me for the operation, not because I was nervous, but actually totally relaxed. So I am grateful for the many who prayed so that I could enjoy the privilege of relaxing in a relationship with God that I can only describe as “miracle” and one that has given me a greater sense of the meaning of those great passages of Scripture in Romans 8 and the end of chapter 11 through the beginning of 12. “Nothing indeed can separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord.” The joy of being “naked” before God is that you don’t have anything to hide anymore!
So there is a risk in a living relationship with God — one which I have often found difficult to accept because, like so many, I hate to lose control. To be able to “let go and let God” — to open my tight fist as I pray and allow God to see what I have clenched there — of course he knows perfectly well what it is, but it has to be released as I recognize the relationship for what it is, and relax in it.
In practical terms I have had to learn the interdependence of the exercise that is essential for my well-being; the strict diet that I am on — so that if and when I cheat I cheat only myself, and I have only myself to blame — and the careful monitoring that I have to do to ensure my bodily functions are keeping to “near-normal” patterns. The alternative is “rejection” and death — not that I fear death, but I don’t believe, as yet, it is my time. I rejoice in my new strength and health, but I am also very aware that I can help that process or hinder it — like the connection between “faith” and “works.” There are lots of things that I used to think were important, essential items in my life, and now find I can do without them. Although, initially, it was a struggle, it is a little easier now when confronted with a more pressing reality. That reality was the nearness of death and my rapid approach to it in my deteriorating health. The fact that I am now very healthy does not diminish the reality of the tenuous hold on life that I know that I have because of my condition. I reflect on the joy of living quite often, and if I am tempted to get depressed, I remember that God brought me through with a very wonderful miracle, with the aid of modern medical technology and prayer. Ezekiel stated long ago that God would replace the heart of stone with a heart of flesh, and that literally happened to me — a heart surrounded by dead muscles does literally calcify like stone!
Perhaps our basic problem is that we have too much to lose, and we are not prepared to lose it until the alternative is so horrible that we finally let go. I believe God spared my life for a reason; I believe I am here for a reason; I believe that the world is waiting for us to “lay down our lives” and do what we said we would, even if it means losing our independence, our security, our nice little nests, and our preconceived ideas and values. That involves a deep commitment to a much greater cause and values than we have either individually or even collectively as a community of God’s people; it is worthy of note that the growth patterns of the church are greatest where the members do stand in daily danger of literally losing their lives for Christ.
The challenge to me is still — am I prepared to “present my body and soul a living sacrifice to God, which is my reasonable service” Romans 12:2?